Cease Fire, the war is almost over

Darling, it's just your head playing tricks on you.
To illude yourself into thinking you're not only capable of but are in fact letting go of attachment.

For far too long I have battled the war between head and heart; it consumes me, it propels me and it injures me. Wearing an armor of schedules and then nakedly falling into trenches of moments without you.  Where is that connection to you? For me, it's everywhere and it is in everything.  I need him but I want you. Because you, my love are so deeply imprinted on my heart that my minds futile attempts to conquer this war are seemingly fatal. Ostensibly doomed are relationships I wage for interception of my hearts longing.

And it is not due to any lack of love for myself, no, I have owned that shit and work internally hard to overthrow any form of self-sabotage. I am my own enemy or patriot and ultimate commander of the two. However without your artillery I fight with extremism and a suicidal bomb strapped to my heart. Without your heroic engagement I sit in neutralized camouflage amidst land mines and fields strewn with debris and casualties.

So yet again I find myself on the front lines, with all and with him that isn't you.  I don't mean to compare but when you have swam in the sea a lake will no longer do. You've set a ruling standard so high with your laughter, your facial expressions, your hands and your connection to the world and me. I want that and I want you. But I need him. You've gone MIA in my life and you have abandoned the revolution of our love.  My heart is becoming more subversive to my growth and my survival as it is in constant defense of your actions.
I will never admit defeat, yet I am a refugee in another mans arms.
Displaced, disarmed and deployed into a world that sounds, smells and sees different to you.

The struggle of war compelled by the love of peace, I want peace too. So I wake each day and choose to fortify the now.  As it currently stands my mind is making allies with him. A coalition is forming and there is little I can do about it, or rather should I even do anything about it? On the front lines faced with the option to accept his sounds, smells and seeing as a new world treaty rather than a cataclysmic war.  Prowling at what depicts as his flaws does not make me truer to you, no it makes me cruel, cynical and delusional.  Hush my heart passive enough to allow it to be conscripted and entrusted to him, for currently I have no reason to give it to you.  No other reason than a secret campaign to be by and on your side of the war.  

But there will be no more suffering due to the battle of head and heart.  I do not want retribution nor for it to be misplaced onto him.  I go into this knowing that I wave no white flags and I am riddled with bullet holes of past wounds.  I also know that there is a powerful beauty to him that disengages my fight or flight response, putting me at ease.  His hands are warmer and his touch unwavering.  He's a veteran in his own battles, unequivocally having faced fears and standing with valor.  He is elite in capturing my attention.  

And while my heart has you as its vanguard, quickly is it learning to love more than you, to love a little less dependently and to love a little differently.