dirt roads lead to clear paths

How you interpret the world is what will ultimately make me fall in love with you.  I care so deeply about creativity, intuition and connection that if those things aren't in your interpretation I honestly don't believe we should, or could ever, be lovers.  

I may not have all my ducks in a row or an internet banking app on my phone, not yet.  I may not have the tidiest room because I am a gypsy and have been uprooted recently for reasons and friendships bigger than myself.  I most certainly still want to backpack third world countries and sip a cocktail or three watching sunrises with no intention to shower that day. Unless the shower is a waterfall I have hiked to, whilst chatting about collective consciousness, emotional intelligence and lyrics of a song.  So although I lack a lot of down the line practicality, and one could confuse my child like optimism as naivety and foolishness, that does not bother me. If it bothers you, you're not the one for me.  I can very easily download the app, I can very easily clean my room and I can very easily shower three times a day if I needed to, but I don't need to.  My interpretation of the world is bigger than convenience, than set norms and outer shell obsessions.  I can do the mundane, I can do the budgets and I can do the responsible. But they are not my world and will most likely never be.  
Lover, do not walk in front of me, as I will not follow.
Lover, do not walk behind me, as I will not lead.
Lover, walk beside me, as We are in this world together. 

The details are vague but I was deadlocked in hot sticky, black molten tar.  It dripped thick from my limbs and the fumes burned raw with every breath.  I woke up suffocating and scared. 
Why?  because I feel stuck in something that isn't natural. That paves the road for a misinterpreted world. Appearing fluid at first, constructive and even necessary but tar turns rigid and unapproachable at the midday sun and appears as black ice under the moonlit blankets.  A road to nowhere good. Nowhere great and nowhere true. 
Fuck I want great.  I want extraordinary.  I want a dirt road and dirtier pairs of dancing feet to walk it with.   Should there be signal, I'll download the fucking banking app if I have to while we talk about how we care so deeply for interpretations of the world and that there are endless reasons as to why yours made me fall in love with you.  Falling not down and scraping hurtfully lodged tar off my knees no. Falling up and up to something more spiritual and almost other worldly. 

Set off with no particular directions

Oh heeeey today and more acutely tonight.  I've felt you before, worse and myself weaker.  Been a while though, what was it that set you off? Simply a seed planting thought, a song lyric singing and a gut wrenching feeling of course.  To describe you would be to know you fully, I am not there yet.  You're familiar enough to acknowledge, more than just an acquaintance.  Still your existence, your very root cause is a stranger to me.  I cannot know more to you than what I have only chosen to see.  But you're here today and tonight and I cant ignore it.  With every time you surface I change.  Feelings take hold of my mind and a direction is set, either slightly stronger or much much weaker.  That is the end result however, getting there are the hours and minutes of pure confusion.  Lost.  For now, that's all I have to call you.  So lost it swells my eyes with unchartered waters and hollows my stomach to unfathomed caves. You appear on days like these which remind me of the miles and the crevasses I need to cover. Unable to tread the water, I sink.  Unable to keep the cave vaulted, I stray.  Absent and not in the room because I am so far far away from everything.  Set on automatic forfeit you replace me.  You used to take over all of me for weeks and that is how I recognise your antics and your results.  Albeit frightening at times, in opposition to hiding or running away in avoidance, I'm glad to have met you.  Your visits are becoming less frequent because your lessons are more prominent.  So I sit with you all day and now at night as almost friends.  But I get to choose my life, love and friends, this you also remind me of.  Lost but capable to change directions.

Cease Fire, the war is almost over

Darling, it's just your head playing tricks on you.
To illude yourself into thinking you're not only capable of but are in fact letting go of attachment.

For far too long I have battled the war between head and heart; it consumes me, it propels me and it injures me. Wearing an armor of schedules and then nakedly falling into trenches of moments without you.  Where is that connection to you? For me, it's everywhere and it is in everything.  I need him but I want you. Because you, my love are so deeply imprinted on my heart that my minds futile attempts to conquer this war are seemingly fatal. Ostensibly doomed are relationships I wage for interception of my hearts longing.

And it is not due to any lack of love for myself, no, I have owned that shit and work internally hard to overthrow any form of self-sabotage. I am my own enemy or patriot and ultimate commander of the two. However without your artillery I fight with extremism and a suicidal bomb strapped to my heart. Without your heroic engagement I sit in neutralized camouflage amidst land mines and fields strewn with debris and casualties.

So yet again I find myself on the front lines, with all and with him that isn't you.  I don't mean to compare but when you have swam in the sea a lake will no longer do. You've set a ruling standard so high with your laughter, your facial expressions, your hands and your connection to the world and me. I want that and I want you. But I need him. You've gone MIA in my life and you have abandoned the revolution of our love.  My heart is becoming more subversive to my growth and my survival as it is in constant defense of your actions.
I will never admit defeat, yet I am a refugee in another mans arms.
Displaced, disarmed and deployed into a world that sounds, smells and sees different to you.

The struggle of war compelled by the love of peace, I want peace too. So I wake each day and choose to fortify the now.  As it currently stands my mind is making allies with him. A coalition is forming and there is little I can do about it, or rather should I even do anything about it? On the front lines faced with the option to accept his sounds, smells and seeing as a new world treaty rather than a cataclysmic war.  Prowling at what depicts as his flaws does not make me truer to you, no it makes me cruel, cynical and delusional.  Hush my heart passive enough to allow it to be conscripted and entrusted to him, for currently I have no reason to give it to you.  No other reason than a secret campaign to be by and on your side of the war.  

But there will be no more suffering due to the battle of head and heart.  I do not want retribution nor for it to be misplaced onto him.  I go into this knowing that I wave no white flags and I am riddled with bullet holes of past wounds.  I also know that there is a powerful beauty to him that disengages my fight or flight response, putting me at ease.  His hands are warmer and his touch unwavering.  He's a veteran in his own battles, unequivocally having faced fears and standing with valor.  He is elite in capturing my attention.  

And while my heart has you as its vanguard, quickly is it learning to love more than you, to love a little less dependently and to love a little differently.