Farewells and soul spells

Deeper than my feet can ground
Tighter than my heart is bound
And louder than any heard sound
I'm still a wave making my way back 
To the mountain, to the sea and to the stars
Further than I can foretell
Shaken in the realm of hell
And pulling with every cell
I'm still a soul making a track
To the mountain, to the sea and to the stars
Losing, my mind to be undefined
Listening, my heart never will be apart
Loving, soldier with heavy shoulders
I'm still just a girl looking for her knack
To the mountain, to the sea and to the stars
And so 
I want the war to call you
I want this to bore you
I want so much more for you
The mountain 
The sea
The stars 
All of you and all for you. 

______________________________________

Maybe it's better to fall in love slower
Yeah, maybe but the face you're pulling when you say that tells me otherwise
Ah shit man
Yeah, you need to work on either being a better liar or less of a best friend

When you know yourself. Because you've been given 28 years to figure that shit out.  You know what is better.  You know that if you're in doubt you should probably go without.  But you also know you learn the most when you step out of normality.  When you do things a little different.  So you give yourself the credit to figure this out.  Credit in the form of time and reserve - when the credit is gone and you find yourself in debt, debt from who you are to your core - then you cash that lesson for what it is and you spend no more. But for now I've saved enough to be able to spend, just enough so I'm spending wisely. Without infatuation equals less inflation and more exploration.

song

BISHOP - RIVER 

How do we fall in love, harder than a bullet could hit ya?

How do we fall apart, faster than a hair pin trigger?

Don't you say don't you say it

Don't say don't you say it

One breath and it'll just break it

So shut your mouth and run me like a river

Holy hands oh they make me a sinner

Holy hands oh they make me a sinner

Shut Your mouth baby stand and deliver

Like a river, like a river

Choke this love till the veins start to shiver

Shut your mouth and run me like a river

One last breath till the tears start to wither

Cursed is the fool who's willing

Like a river, like a river

Shut your mouth and run me like a river 
Tales of an endless heart

One kiss away from killing

Can't change the way we are

Decals and denials

What do I know about signs? You use your senses to see them.  You use your mind to understand them.  You use your heart to learn them.  What I don't know about signs?  They simply appear because you want them to. Your senses, your mind and your heart create the sign for you to see, understand and learn. Paradoxically, the signs’ very existence is purely reliant on you? 

The signs are there, what is reliant is their meaning – their cause-and-effect relationship.  The indexical signs.

All things, tangible or not, have a life span.  All things change.  Progressively, instantaneously, unknowingly and sometimes in the form of your car catching on fire.  When the latter happens it’s almost always catastrophic and inconvenient but completely crucial to walk away, and by walk I mean RUN for your life.  Leaving behind the things you cling to; cellphone, wallet and wakeboard and escaping with just your self-body and nothing holding you back. A flame, I mean a flaming car is a sure sign that what was once functional, reliable and adventurous is now no longer.  My car however, was not a flame, it was a 10 year relationship.  My car conversely did not want to go to anyone else either and so politely wrote itself off.  

So what do you do when this happens and you still need to move on? You expend all your savings, your muster and your dreams to travel and you get a new car. A new relationship.  Less mileage, better specs and the complete opposite colour. Because something has to be different.  Now back to my new car, and only about my car, I love it!  It’s fast and it’s fierce and it’s small and it’s got a sunroof. It’s like me. I don’t want anyone else to have this car either.  So what do I need to do? Decal the back window of course.  Cheesy for sure but when even your father thinks it’s a good idea, then well I guess it is. It’s not ✯NorCal✯ as before, but it’s NorCΔl with an open side. The things is I can’t name it NorCal like the last, so I’ve been brainstorming a new name. Δ  Delta = Change.  But Delta seems far too feminine right? With a lightbulb moment I google translate the Greek word for strong. Ισχυρός.  Okay that looks great but how the fuck does one pronounce it?  

This is the moment before the moment. When you think you’ve got your shit together and you’re merrily life-ing. The moment before the fucking sign comes out of nowhere and klaps-you-in-the-face-moment. Cause and effect signage.

A female voice responds when I click the little speaker next to the word and she says: “iss-he-ros”  or asks.  The biatch derisively asked I’m certain. NO THE FUCK HE ISN’T. Thanks for reminding me.

I continue to search for different worlds, I mean words.

In fact that’s a lie, at least literally.  I gave up on google and my car is currently nameless in the reliant hope that it will just appear – like a damn sign.

force feeding

_______________________________________

It's already in my stomach, filling it to the brink. These feelings are my food and my insatiable hunger for him are not false substances. Appetite gone along with the options to choose anything else. I'd even be happy with a drive through, a doggy bag and a tonne of weight with him, brief and harmful. But he is raw food. It's the type of food I am most naturally attracted to. He's all the vitamins I want, nurturing or not. I'm so full up on him I couldn't eat another thing. Gluttony comes when you want more, I want less of a menu of choices because he is always my first choice. I'll bite off more than I can chew just so I can share it with him. The chewed bits. The way a baby bird is fed - a little more used, a little more softer and a little more loving. But I don't place the order as my stomach is sickly full and his plate too full to add another thing or too content to be shared. So I don't, can't and won't eat. I'm in a deficit life without him, and I'm losing.