the difference between coasting and driving

"Oh, you're so-and-so's girlfriend?"

woah... I am no longer strapped in by a bar on that roller-coaster relationship. 

"Was, I was his girlfriend."  

I say it out loud, firstly, to correct her.  Secondly to correct my mind that has already raced to a thousand different thoughts.  This is a daily thing, to re-affirm myself that I am indeed no longer on that ride of whimsical misconceptions and non-reality.  Sometimes it's not only my minds thoughts I have to remind, but also my hearts'.  I won't lie, it's hard and it's unpleasant and unfamiliar at the best of times.  But it is the truth.  I've consequently grown too much to even scale myself on a roller-coaster ride's potential.  My mind may wander to the theme park, and the theme of my life for the last couple of years, but it dare not enter in the giddy reckless manner it used to. 

Somehow after that initial exchange I unfortunately obtain the information that she had seen him just a week before... a week!  My mind screams that this is recent, my ego expands on its whereness, howness and whyness. 

"Oh no, we haven't been together for a while now" 

I walked my mind, my ego and my heart away from that.  Right then and there, I tore up my bottomless ride ticket and was undeniably hoping this amusement park would just shut down forever.

The theme won't ever shut down, 
but the amusement can.
As I have a good friend that lives in that park, one day at a time.
But the thrills of going with a partner are gone. 

_________________________________________

It's not my car, it's hired, the drive is different
It's not Sunday, it's the day before, the drive is different.
It's not for us, it's for someone else, the drive is different, 
It's not to see you, it's to see myself, the drive is different.

Surprisingly the drive down the coast was a lot quicker than I remembered.  This may be because the last time I went, I was scared, love-sick and living a treacherously still life.  Albeit that, I still became overwhelmed with emotion to the point of not knowing how I was physically driving.  Short of breath and long on thought, I kept my hands steady but my eyes streamed.  What was both a lived and non-lived lifetime came back to me in seconds.  A trip down memory lane.  Even the memories that weren't even made.  I couldn't even name half the emotions I felt, could not even label them into what if's or should have's or even as is's, for they came heavy and then fleeting and then dissipated into something so much different. I felt them without consuming them.  They were real but they were no longer my reality in the sense that the reason I drove that route was no longer the same reason as before.  
The south coast drive.  Amazing how life changes when you're driving you.