Reservation?

Excuse me while I go be important to myself.  In fact, don't even excuse me because there is nothing offensive about it.  At this stage of where we are, we owe each other very minimal.  There is little invested in making us work and there is even less attached to how we make each other feel.  That may sound hopeless, selfish and isolating but the truth is I can't give any more than I get.  And neither should you.

So instead of forcing something that in reality doesn't consume our hearts and minds, I'm backing off further.  For now.  Yes, I like you. Yes, talking about a future with you is nice.  Yes, having you in my life may make it a little better.  But I can like you without a focus on future and at no expectation that my life should change.  The main catalysts for this thinking and feeling are both distance and time and their ability to keep us strangers for longer.

Perhaps that is my issue here.  Perhaps I would want to give more of me to you, for you and with you if you weren't still such a stranger to me.  I know I would end up doing that if I saw you more often and if you were to see me, at all.  When distance is gone and time is here, we're foreigners mapping each other out and arduously navigating blind.  Too quick and of basic quality I see you seeing me, too brief and of lowermost quantity.

It takes moments, memories and magic to open myself up.  Right now these are not on the table and instead of reserving a seat for you at this table I am turning it over and using it as a shielded fortress. Neither of us are presently hungering for this to work and I'll ensuingly be starved if I don't.  

And it is okay.  We will be okay because neither of us are a priority to each other right now.  The times that we are do not override the times that we aren't, the seats at the table are pushed in and out mindlessly.  What is the point to hunger for a candlelit feast upon this table if it's treated like a fast food diner booth? A phone call every third day or so, a morning message followed by an infrequent goodnight of vice versa, a hotel room of suitcases, sensations and sighs. I choose to topple this table until further notice.  

The table is light to push and with little assistance it falls onto its side. On edge of little substance. Surface levels of thin balance and unequally pressured instability. The table is unequivocally of no syn-chronic purpose for us, it will just lay there off kilter until there is a presence to willfully lift it and us together. I alone am too capricious to forcefully put it up right, so it lays. You alone are too solipsistic, should you move the table it would crush me. 

I feel it best to not even invite you to dinner anymore. And that is okay because we don't have a date planned anyway. There is no place nor time for what we are currently, to each other and to the world. All I want is to give something to the world but all that I can is by not trying too hard to be with you.  So, enjoy your meals inadvertently without me as I go be important to myself. I'll continue to nourish myself even if it means I eat alone unconventionally behind a table.