A dear friend of mine says a prayer to God on her drive to the day, she prays to ask for the lessons to be hard. So very hard so that she learns from them once off. I think God answers her every time.
I too have said this prayer and have been answered.
So I'm cashing out.
I'm saving my soul and I'm taking the lesson and leaving.
Lord knows I tried, Lord knows what is best for me and Lord knows that I am now listening.
When you get that phone call you have been fearing for the last 3 years of your life and are whiplashed out of bed with fear, confusion and shock, you tend to take it pretty seriously.
"I've just written my car off" at 01.30am. Nothing good ever comes from 01.30am.
"He's drunk" I had said to another friend 4 hours earlier.
I go to sleep, it's initially a deep good sleep but it gets weaker and distantly not real with the hours. When the call comes I am awake. I am a live wire and I am livid.
Without the anger I go with comfort and care, without the needed rest I go with 3 years of unfortunate preparation for this very task.
It's dark but the blue lights set me on a one-way path to destruction.
Slowing down like an innocent bystander to see, although I am neither innocent nor a bystander. The car is brutal. The nature around it shredded by the tyres that are no longer there. The windscreen cracked, the air bags deployed and the bonnet broken and misplaced beneath the body. It's brutal.
The dozens of police are too pre-occupied with the missing driver to see my tears as I drive in slow motion. It was slow and it was surreal. While the police were thinking of the driver, I was not.
My tears were not of fear, confusion or shock. My tears were that of gratitude. Seems misplaced and brutally apathetic, and perhaps it was slightly. However every cell of and in my body was overwhelmingly grateful it wasn't him. It wasn't him because he is in recovery and he is well and he is living. I was succumbed both with gratitude and an enormous amount of honour for and of him.
As the blue lights got smaller behind me my prayer was answered. I drove there and from with compassion and comfort but I would never drive back there again in search for love. I had cashed out of that that morning at 02.00am and perhaps a bit earlier than that I just needed to learn it.
"You have a type hey Rox!" my sister says to me later in the morning. But she is wrong, I don't. I was under a different impression and that is the very reason I will not stay. I will not have a type and I will not subject myself to thinking this way. One begins to question not them but oneself when a negative habit appears to have formed. One begins to doubt if there is any positivity in oneself and that is utterly destructive. There is no benefit of the doubt in this situation, there is only what is and what that is, is not what I want.
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In two weeks time, to which I have committed to, begins a challenge. Albeit a physical one, the goal to get fit and ripped at the gym, it's more of a self challenge in the form of commitment, perseverance and some intense soul searching within myself.
I am excited to do this. To connect again with what is inside and to strengthen that connection unbreakable.
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