wake up calls

I'm cashing out.
A dear friend of mine says a prayer to God on her drive to the day, she prays to ask for the lessons to be hard.  So very hard so that she learns from them once off.  I think God answers her every time.
I too have said this prayer and have been answered.
So I'm cashing out.
I'm saving my soul and I'm taking the lesson and leaving.
Lord knows I tried, Lord knows what is best for me and Lord knows that I am now listening.
When you get that phone call you have been fearing for the last 3 years of your life and are whiplashed out of bed with fear, confusion and shock, you tend to take it pretty seriously.
"I've just written my car off" at 01.30am.   Nothing good ever comes from 01.30am.
"He's drunk" I had said to another friend 4 hours earlier.
I go to sleep, it's initially a deep good sleep but it gets weaker and distantly not real with the hours. When the call comes I am awake.  I am a live wire and I am livid.
Without the anger I go with comfort and care, without the needed rest I go with 3 years of unfortunate preparation for this very task.
It's dark but the blue lights set me on a one-way path to destruction.
Slowing down like an innocent bystander to see, although I am neither innocent nor a bystander. The car is brutal. The nature around it shredded by the tyres that are no longer there. The windscreen cracked, the air bags deployed and the bonnet broken and misplaced beneath the body. It's brutal.
The dozens of police are too pre-occupied with the missing driver to see my tears as I drive in slow motion.  It was slow and it was surreal.  While the police were thinking of the driver, I was not.
My tears were not of fear, confusion or shock.  My tears were that of gratitude.  Seems misplaced and brutally apathetic, and perhaps it was slightly.  However every cell of and in my body was overwhelmingly grateful it wasn't him.  It wasn't him because he is in recovery and he is well and he is living. I was succumbed both with gratitude and an enormous amount of honour for and of him.
As the blue lights got smaller behind me my prayer was answered.  I drove there and from with compassion and comfort but I would never drive back there again in search for love.  I had cashed out of that that morning at 02.00am and perhaps a bit earlier than that I just needed to learn it.

"You have a type hey Rox!" my sister says to me later in the morning.  But she is wrong, I don't.  I was under a different impression and that is the very reason I will not stay.  I will not have a type and I will not subject myself to thinking this way.  One begins to question not them but oneself when a negative habit appears to have formed. One begins to doubt if there is any positivity in oneself and that is utterly destructive.  There is no benefit of the doubt in this situation, there is only what is and what that is, is not what I want.

________________________

In two weeks time, to which I have committed to, begins a challenge.  Albeit a physical one, the goal to get fit and ripped at the gym, it's more of a self challenge in the form of commitment, perseverance and some intense soul searching within myself. 
I am excited to do this.  To connect again with what is inside and to strengthen that connection unbreakable.

don't go chasing waterfalls

Emily Townsend

Jan 3

This year, I suppose,

perhaps I can finally lose

every thought of your name

every memory of your eyes blinking

slowly, trying to hold back the waterfall

certainly willing to spill

had I not made the promise to stay alive.

What is it that disconnects a soul tie?
The truth, there is almost nothing that can disconnect it completely
But there are ways to weaken it. 

With synchronicity devoid of timing - it weakens
With love devoid of action - it weakens
With acceptance devoid of hope - it weakens
With time devoid of presence - it weakens

It appears after a flood, a consistent flow, a fluid motion from the sky to the earth. It channels, it engraves its path and it does so with both ease and turbulence. It takes with it debris, new life and a gravitational purpose. And then there is the overflow. The free fall over the edge - when there is no other option. It can be a slow almost unnoticeable trickle of change in direction.  Or it can be consistently average in size and strength. Without being too strong it allows a lot more to be. Sometimes miles long and tonnes heavy, a momentous sight of spectacular power only to be admired from far.  The best kind are the waterfalls of balance. The waterfall you get to explore with your body heart and mind.  Cleansing yet adventurous. Cool yet inviting.  Slightly daring yet spontaneously natural. I do go chasing waterfalls because all the rivers and lakes don't reflect rainbows and magic like they do.  

"What would you ask for, if you knew the answer was Yes?"
Not being able to place exactly where how and why, I know my question instinctively.
However the answer is bigger than me.  It's bigger than all I can see and understand.
My question is an illusion I've either learned incorrectly or I've been foolishly too partial to its idea. 
Individual versus shared feelings.
I truly believed for a long time, most times still do, that my partiality was not conclusively one sided.  I truly believed for a long time, most times still do, that if all the stars aligned and fell from the sky they would do so solely to illuminate that the galaxy was for us.  A meteor shower.  But not one short-lived streak of amazing light made of dust and dirt.  No.  All the stars falling.  Continuous light, wonder and debris that makes it a natural phenomenon. 
Their purpose for us to put back into circulation of the universe all that we have, are and I forever wish to be. 

This thinking will not weaken the soul tie.  This thinking will not change anything.  Yet I do it regularly and often without even realizing. 

With purpose devoid of attachment - it weakens
With acquiescence devoid of imperfect contrition - it weakens
With focus devoid of obsession - it weakens
With forwardness devoid of recklessness - it weakens