Mom, I don't want to be strong for my older sister. Not anymore than I want to be strong for myself, I want to feel it all. I want to be let to feel it all with her, with me, with everything. I don't really know why you told me to be strong for her today. Perhaps you know it's my coping mechanism. Perhaps you also told her to be strong for me today. I know we need each other. Perhaps you think she needs me more than I need her. But we are both more sensitive than we allow. I think that is due to the way and the circumstances that we were raised. I miss her as much as I miss crying. I miss her as much as I miss breaking down, tears.
I sit writing this, gasping for breath, wiping the watery blur from my eyes. I'm feeling. And I'm feeling everything. Just how cruel is this world and unjust. A young but remarkable life lost. A family, a son, a brother. So young so innocent. The tears sting and burn, they hurt. But they also, with every stream, heal. You can't take them back, just like time, you can't unredden your eyes, just like a memory. But you can blink, squeeze tighter, lips quiver, breath deeper.
I'm going to hug you tighter. In about two and a half hours. I'm going to hug you so tight I mend the broken bits a little. I'm going to hug you little sister. Thought and understanding takes me back sixteen years or so... how I would love to have known then what I know now. You became my sister by birth, but I didn't allow you to become my sister by bond. Just how cruel is this world and unjust. Two young lives lost, by my own hand, to a distanced and disconnected resistance. I simply cannot lose you any further. You are still here and so am I. I fear that should one of us go to heaven, we would not welcome the other without slight contempt. Not because we want the other to live but rather because we would prefer to stay distanced and disconnected. As it is all we've known, or shown, for the most part. And for that, I am so deeply sorry. I could enlighten you to my realisation that I had to grow up quick, with a sister already. And when you came along I was already too far gone. I was gone. I was there but I didn't open up. I was so consumed by being strong for my sister, my mom, my new dad, myself, I had no heart left for you to penetrate. That heart only got harder. Our relationship has only got harder. With so much toughness there are no tears that sting and burn. With so much roughness there are no years young that bind. It was my wound I put outward and onto you, it has been my doing. Or better, my not doing. My not loving. And for that, I am so deeply sorry. I'm going to hug you harder, it may hurt. It may sting, but it's a wound that needs to burn so deep that it heals with new. With future. We have that, and the present. So I'm going to hug you. I hug you. I love you. You are my little sister.
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Monday, July 6, 2015
hands to hold
People help the people.
Muted we stay separate in a world of continual dissolution.
I forget sometimes that we're not meant to be alone.
Hands are cold by themselves if left untouched.
Warmth comes from holding on.
People help the people.
I urge myself to take my gloves off, to peel the bandaged dressing of shelter revealing the bare skin. The blue veins and my fingerprints. The unjewelled fingers, the nails that scratch and the empty cold palms of sweat. Held together at the wrist, strong but small and dainty, easily broken. My hands have seen most and done many but they are wiped, slapped and withheld before they could really touch. If I undress them, if I expose them to the rain and the cold, they will shake then tighten and they will seek to hide in themselves or another thing. But eventually they will need to be used steadily apart, they will appear again, still bare. If it is still cold and raining, they will weather. If it is warm and shining, they will appear unforced. Open and eager. But not the weather, only my hands I can control. But not the wrinkles and the fleeing, only the action and feeling awaits me. Unclenched, wet, slippery or unveiled warm, certain - either which way they are unsheathed and continuing. To be burnt or to be soothed, the skin on my hands heals. Fresh layered or calloused, humbled by movement and time, not crippled but with purpose. My hands will need to appear again and again, this is life, ungloved.
Muted we stay separate in a world of continual dissolution.
I forget sometimes that we're not meant to be alone.
Hands are cold by themselves if left untouched.
Warmth comes from holding on.
People help the people.
I urge myself to take my gloves off, to peel the bandaged dressing of shelter revealing the bare skin. The blue veins and my fingerprints. The unjewelled fingers, the nails that scratch and the empty cold palms of sweat. Held together at the wrist, strong but small and dainty, easily broken. My hands have seen most and done many but they are wiped, slapped and withheld before they could really touch. If I undress them, if I expose them to the rain and the cold, they will shake then tighten and they will seek to hide in themselves or another thing. But eventually they will need to be used steadily apart, they will appear again, still bare. If it is still cold and raining, they will weather. If it is warm and shining, they will appear unforced. Open and eager. But not the weather, only my hands I can control. But not the wrinkles and the fleeing, only the action and feeling awaits me. Unclenched, wet, slippery or unveiled warm, certain - either which way they are unsheathed and continuing. To be burnt or to be soothed, the skin on my hands heals. Fresh layered or calloused, humbled by movement and time, not crippled but with purpose. My hands will need to appear again and again, this is life, ungloved.
Friday, July 3, 2015
Letters to myself
I am so very tired of not expressing my feelings in a raw-like, current time, unguarded manner. With you. I am so very tired of believing not to. I am so very tired but I am able to. I am so very tired so I have to. With you.
Feelings:
Know that it will be subtle and slight, firstly. As I learn and try. Know that I will be fighting and flailing, seconds. As I stubborn and shy. Know that you will be confessed and confused, threefold. As I frown or cry. Know that there will be boundaries and breakthroughs, forth. As I stand or fly. Know that we will be lighter and loved, lastingly. As I you and my. Feelings.
Love, as I undestand it.
I always thought that love was about desire -- being with someone, holding someone, feeling someone. But it isn't necessarily. Love can come in lots of different ways and lots of different guises. —Tracey Emin
No one but me can know how I love, truly. No one but me can tell me how to. But everyone can feel in some way the love I give and receive in turn. How conditioned and warped is love in this perceived world, that it has become so unseen and characterized, to be deemed as heartless expectations and needs being met. Love is not desire. Love is not for hire. You don't rent it to acquire a need to be met. Later to return it, either debted, used, or to get your worth back. Love is complimentary in life, it is freeing, but it is not freely given or received in light.
I did not expect to be shown love by my nephew, I did not have to force myself, my mind, worthy of loving him. It just was, is and will always be. It was not conditioned. It is unconditional. This love should be the love we should feel, show and know. It goes back to your basic being, your core, your presence in the very now. We are love. We were made of love, by a higher power and thus we only feel truly ourselves when we are in that moment of love, peace and the now. Not expecting, not masking, not distracted. Rather channeling your internal outward than harbouring the external inward. I believe that love is a trait we all have but it it loses its quality and quantity as we greedily consume assumptions and apprehensions for sustainability. Babies and dogs embody unconditional love to me. Not my mother, not my boyfriend. I expect too much out of "love" from them. Whereas babies and dogs, there is nothing to expect, there is nothing to pick apart and there is nothing I can't show, feel or know but love as the basis of all interactions. Perhaps it's simply because the babies and dogs cannot talk, and there is no fear of rejection, there is no doubt and there is no clouded misconceptions and judgements. It makes it a lot easier. Regardless, this is how I feel it should be for all humans. The fact that they can talk back, they can reject based on judgements and you will consequently doubt, makes it imperative that we should all channel our internal outward instead of harbour the external inward.
To do that, as neither a baby or dog ourselves, is a daily effort. It's a huge action, habit breaking and reforming, mantra repeating, responding rather than reacting, it seems impossible to rewire. Our brains are intrinsically connected to our hearts and they need to work together on this, work being the operative word. In doing so, daily effort, new pathways will be created and opened. With every new undaunted mental thought, positive reactions occur. Strengthening these new synapses to receive neurotransmitters to the receptor, weakening the old synapses, the old thoughts, doubts and reactions. The brain is a powerful tool of change if you train it. The heart, to me, is there to reinforce the training. When the brain seems too stubborn and somewhat cold and detached, the heart steps in. Love is initially actioned through the brain but it is ensuingly felt in the heart. These new mental pathways created will open the heart, breaking the impenetrable walls around it. Almost as if the neurotransmitters pass an electric current through the heart so to shock it into working again. Once working, even if only momentarily, the heart will beat that new thought into habit by facilitating the enrichment that you feel. Humans need reinforcement, affirmation and both ratification and gratification. However they don't know that it comes from their own life source, their core, their hearts ability to love, oneself and others. If you can't sustain or give reason to the new mental thought, let it rather reside in your heart. If your brain seems to be blocking any chance to the new pathway and it seems like the only conclusive direction is the old, it isn't. That thought may react through the old but with new intention, with awareness, it will have split and the other part will be automatically sent and respond to your heart. There it will instill, build and flow with amplification upon every defibulated occurrence.
TO FEEL COMPLETELY AT EASE IN YOUR OWN SKIN, at ease with your own personality, at ease with your presence. Love will find you that way and never leave you. Love will latch on and attract more of itself by you being yourself, at ease. If you are, it will reverberate through and down to your inner being. You will feel, you will create and you will store it there. Through feeling, creating and storing you will realise who you are and how, when you have surplus, to give love to others.
No one but me can know how I love, truly. No one but me can tell me how to. But everyone can feel in some way the love I give and receive in turn. How conditioned and warped is love in this perceived world, that it has become so unseen and characterized, to be deemed as heartless expectations and needs being met. Love is not desire. Love is not for hire. You don't rent it to acquire a need to be met. Later to return it, either debted, used, or to get your worth back. Love is complimentary in life, it is freeing, but it is not freely given or received in light.
_____
I did not expect to be shown love by my nephew, I did not have to force myself, my mind, worthy of loving him. It just was, is and will always be. It was not conditioned. It is unconditional. This love should be the love we should feel, show and know. It goes back to your basic being, your core, your presence in the very now. We are love. We were made of love, by a higher power and thus we only feel truly ourselves when we are in that moment of love, peace and the now. Not expecting, not masking, not distracted. Rather channeling your internal outward than harbouring the external inward. I believe that love is a trait we all have but it it loses its quality and quantity as we greedily consume assumptions and apprehensions for sustainability. Babies and dogs embody unconditional love to me. Not my mother, not my boyfriend. I expect too much out of "love" from them. Whereas babies and dogs, there is nothing to expect, there is nothing to pick apart and there is nothing I can't show, feel or know but love as the basis of all interactions. Perhaps it's simply because the babies and dogs cannot talk, and there is no fear of rejection, there is no doubt and there is no clouded misconceptions and judgements. It makes it a lot easier. Regardless, this is how I feel it should be for all humans. The fact that they can talk back, they can reject based on judgements and you will consequently doubt, makes it imperative that we should all channel our internal outward instead of harbour the external inward.
To do that, as neither a baby or dog ourselves, is a daily effort. It's a huge action, habit breaking and reforming, mantra repeating, responding rather than reacting, it seems impossible to rewire. Our brains are intrinsically connected to our hearts and they need to work together on this, work being the operative word. In doing so, daily effort, new pathways will be created and opened. With every new undaunted mental thought, positive reactions occur. Strengthening these new synapses to receive neurotransmitters to the receptor, weakening the old synapses, the old thoughts, doubts and reactions. The brain is a powerful tool of change if you train it. The heart, to me, is there to reinforce the training. When the brain seems too stubborn and somewhat cold and detached, the heart steps in. Love is initially actioned through the brain but it is ensuingly felt in the heart. These new mental pathways created will open the heart, breaking the impenetrable walls around it. Almost as if the neurotransmitters pass an electric current through the heart so to shock it into working again. Once working, even if only momentarily, the heart will beat that new thought into habit by facilitating the enrichment that you feel. Humans need reinforcement, affirmation and both ratification and gratification. However they don't know that it comes from their own life source, their core, their hearts ability to love, oneself and others. If you can't sustain or give reason to the new mental thought, let it rather reside in your heart. If your brain seems to be blocking any chance to the new pathway and it seems like the only conclusive direction is the old, it isn't. That thought may react through the old but with new intention, with awareness, it will have split and the other part will be automatically sent and respond to your heart. There it will instill, build and flow with amplification upon every defibulated occurrence.
_____
TO FEEL COMPLETELY AT EASE IN YOUR OWN SKIN, at ease with your own personality, at ease with your presence. Love will find you that way and never leave you. Love will latch on and attract more of itself by you being yourself, at ease. If you are, it will reverberate through and down to your inner being. You will feel, you will create and you will store it there. Through feeling, creating and storing you will realise who you are and how, when you have surplus, to give love to others.
_____
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