"through it all, I stood and stumbled"

play this song and read

I had something similar to an epiphany just a few moments ago.

Up until a few moments ago I was probably the most naive and selfish ex-girlfriend one could be.  I realized that although this is hard for me, it’s hard for you too. Whether it be less hard or much harder it doesn't matter. The fact that matters is that with my epiphany I managed to glimpse into the other spectrum, that is you. Not only did I quite literally kick you to the curb, I have also driven off into my very own selfish sunset.  It's now sunrise and I am not there to hold your hand, I'm not there to pick you up off the curb, dust you off and distract you from distractions.  I realize, I have been all talk, mostly argue and rather null in void in actions. This is not what either of us need.  It’s not who we are.  I would know because I may have an inclining on how your brain works similarly to mine.  We're both adults here and I've been acting like a spiteful sixteen year old trying to fit into my big girl panties that quite frankly don't fit, as well as being the entirely wrong style.  I need to go starkers.  I impart my apology in the form of this letter because it’s the only way I feel I can be utterly naked. 

     You are brave, you are intelligent and you are benevolent.  Albeit misguided at times, but those times do not define you.  I was real mature to lose sight of who you are (sarcasm). This sight was stolen from me by carelessness, lack of listening – I mean truly listening, but most of all by my biggest flaw. Giving up.  I gave up on you, I gave up on my heart and myself.   Hindsight is always 20/20 – and although I had thought then that I'd reached my breaking point.  I was wrong.  I gave up too early yet again.  I love you, but I didn’t love you at your darkest and that is when you needed it most. 

     You are bold, you are magnetic and you are admirable.  Your restlessness is only a virtue and the ability to use it in a manner that progresses you in a life of integrity and veracity is beyond admirable.

      You are brave. You're brave because you acknowledge the flaws you may have, you’re brave because every day you suit up and you learn.  You're brave because you believe in your willpower and because you attempt 360’s behind a boat.

     You are intelligent. You’re intelligent because you welcome life with open arms and an open mind.  You’re intelligent because you are curious and opinionated, and you have a viewpoint that is unique and credited to your ability to be witty, clever and realistic.

     You are benevolent.  You're benevolent because you genuinely have the biggest heart. It may even be your best quality.  However it is often told to be silenced by malicious distractions and when your heart and your head are not in sync you seem to lose sight of yourself and those closest to you.  You are benevolent in the way you dream, not when you're asleep, but when you’re most alive.  Your dreams to do good and give back to the world are not encasable even in your big heart.  I quote myself when I say “No great experience ever touched a life without the perseverance of humility.”  I’ve seen your soul light up when you speak of your dreams.

     You are bold.  You're bold because sometimes you're just downright too boisterous for your own good…  When you're up – when you've got energy, when you're happy, you are bold.  Stemming from ambition and purpose, you have the ability to help others be bold too. Your boldness is charismatic and rightly deserved.  But being bold does not last, not on its own anyway, your boldness turns into something of a shadow, a darkness when you let it. I want you to know that your personality is bold, and that is an empowering characteristic that need not help from something you put into your body as it is always within you anyway.

     You are magnetic.  You’re magnetic in the sense that you have the ability to draw people and their hearts towards you.  You will never truly be alone in this world because everyone you pass will keep you in their thoughts.  It may be a moment they shared with you, it may be a simple conversation, it may just be an uncanny Facebook stalk.  You exude fun and realness at the same time, which is quite a feat! People see this and they immediately care for you because you do not repel, you do not hate and you do not judge. You're magnetic when you talk and use those elaborate hand gestures while doing so, you're magnetic when you speak, speak of any topic you're particularly or wholly passionate about.  You're magnetic because you’re passionate. Even when you're not interested in something, you're passionately not interested in it. This leads into the fact that you're admirable.

     You are admirable. You're admirable because everything you do, no matter how little or big, no matter how less or how more, you do it your way. Enlightenment and entitlement, although they may either inspire or deprive you, you'll emerge instinctually knowing who you are. The power you possess to be solely your own person is something that I will never fully grasp and will forever venerate.  I realize this now, and not when I gave up on you.

Reality hits and my epiphany becomes my own. My thoughts and my emotions I do not expect you to think or feel. For all I know, you have already forgotten and frightfully tergiversated me, nonetheless these words written here are my attempt at an apology. I apologize for not actionably loving you to the moon and back. That moon is an inhospitable place that sent me sky rocketing back, propelling on my fear that my hand will get burnt by holding yours.  Yet the fire was only life. That fire brought to life by the oxygen you inhale (all that life throws at you) and magnificently exhaled by a forever-growing gentleman.

Your granddad would be proud.