pennies and dimes

i never seem to learn
that high makes things harder
that high i get from you

i think it's time to run
i'm seeing stars
watch me fall apart


unlike alt j, triangles are not my favorite shape.

how does one immerse oneself so deep in uncontrol? How does one never make the same mistake twice but rather several times? Is it rooted in a masochistic, emotionally damaged and feverish temperament?
Those bullets I was facing, failingly dodging and getting hit by have now wounded me.
I sink in my own life as it pours out around me into every selfish crevasse and as it dries I die. The unfathomable, even to my own brain, is that it was myself holding that gun. A sacrifice, a secret and now a suicide.
Metaphorically speaking of course.
This depth I'm edging upon is not foreboding, it's not unexpected, it's comforting. I've fallen from grace. Taken a blow to my face. I have loved and I've lost.
These are my darkest emotions, the one's that stem from secrecy and diminish serenity. Now everything I know is falling from the sky in pieces, to watch them fall with you in slow motion. I pray that I'll find peace of mind. I'll find it another time. I will love you another time.

But this is a fleeting mind set. Who judges these things?
When you're at the point of making a right from wrong decision and your head and heart are coming apart at the seams and losing touch with each other, and the road of  clarity becomes blurred and hazes over encompassing your stability and makes you fall.
Fall off the borderline.
Fall.
Anything could happen.
There was a bond.
There was a friendship and an affection.
An alliance and an affinity.
Yet now there is animosity and an unacquainted endearment of reticence and passion.
It was slow on the start, disinclined to be nothing and never.
Perhaps it was that which makes its reserve and innoxiousness that much more than nothing.
I won't chase this as I usually do, not because I don't want to, but because much like a rainbow the storm must pass, the molecules in the sky should be captured by the light source and this is nature. And what becomes of this, the end, at the end of the rainbow...
either disappointment or gold.