frozen waves

I dive into frozen waves where the past comes back to life

Fight fear for the selfish pain, it was worth it every time
Hold still right before we crash 'cause we both know how this ends.
A clock ticks 'til it breaks your glass and I drown in you again

'Cause you are the piece of me I wish I didn't need

Chasing relentlessly, still fight and I don't know why

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?

If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?

Walk on through a red parade and refuse to make amends

It cuts deep through our ground and makes us forget all common sense

Don't speak as I try to leave 'cause we both know what we'll choose

If you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you

watch the video:

All great changes are preceded by chaos

Not really sure how to feel about it.
Around and around and around we go.
Significantly, you're the broken one. But I need saving.
Up till now, I thought I had avoided, ignored and discarded the idea of a quarter-life crisis. But here I am back in my hometown, back in my room that has seen nights of the light left on, cupboards that were emptied during temper tantrums, mirrors that have cringed from teenage outfit choices, doors that I've snuck out of and recklessly back in through. I'm not going to lie, it's a defeat.
It's not the worst kind though.  I could be a lot worse off in many ways. This is a constant thing I have to remind my family. The reply to "Roxanne, who were you talking to?" is not "My crack cocaine supplier, mom".

These are my options; a one way ticket to the coast of Mexico, opening a salad bar and drinking tequila. OR getting through this day to day, ending the days with tequila. OR changing the focus up a bit, with or without tequila. Distraction is a famed path of resistance to negativity. The distractions don't necessarily have to be thought of as the easy way out. I hardly think waking up before sunrise to sit on a stationary bicycle is desirably easy nor is making sense of the piece of paper I've been chasing for years intriguingly easy.
Distractions now, clarity in time.

All great changes are preceded by chaos.

pennies and dimes

i never seem to learn
that high makes things harder
that high i get from you

i think it's time to run
i'm seeing stars
watch me fall apart


unlike alt j, triangles are not my favorite shape.

how does one immerse oneself so deep in uncontrol? How does one never make the same mistake twice but rather several times? Is it rooted in a masochistic, emotionally damaged and feverish temperament?
Those bullets I was facing, failingly dodging and getting hit by have now wounded me.
I sink in my own life as it pours out around me into every selfish crevasse and as it dries I die. The unfathomable, even to my own brain, is that it was myself holding that gun. A sacrifice, a secret and now a suicide.
Metaphorically speaking of course.
This depth I'm edging upon is not foreboding, it's not unexpected, it's comforting. I've fallen from grace. Taken a blow to my face. I have loved and I've lost.
These are my darkest emotions, the one's that stem from secrecy and diminish serenity. Now everything I know is falling from the sky in pieces, to watch them fall with you in slow motion. I pray that I'll find peace of mind. I'll find it another time. I will love you another time.

But this is a fleeting mind set. Who judges these things?
When you're at the point of making a right from wrong decision and your head and heart are coming apart at the seams and losing touch with each other, and the road of  clarity becomes blurred and hazes over encompassing your stability and makes you fall.
Fall off the borderline.
Fall.
Anything could happen.
There was a bond.
There was a friendship and an affection.
An alliance and an affinity.
Yet now there is animosity and an unacquainted endearment of reticence and passion.
It was slow on the start, disinclined to be nothing and never.
Perhaps it was that which makes its reserve and innoxiousness that much more than nothing.
I won't chase this as I usually do, not because I don't want to, but because much like a rainbow the storm must pass, the molecules in the sky should be captured by the light source and this is nature. And what becomes of this, the end, at the end of the rainbow...
either disappointment or gold.