up against the clouds

And I don't feel like you're falling

Growing, it sways, this vulnerability

We're up against the sky

I smile like I know the world has been found

I cannot swim around

Smiles fade, they become disbanded

Pursuance is what I acquire

This leads the situation dire and afire.

to watch them fall with you in slow motion

How do you know? Maybe you are. 
it was made of mercury
it would come together later piece by piece.

Keeping my feet on the ground, I'm trying 
These thoughts are in the clouds, I'm dying.
But you look good when you wear it well,
White T, disheveled hair and eyes open,
Laughing, lingering and unspoken.
It's not inertia I'm trying to sell.

Relentless curiosity that transpires. 

This may, 

But it hasn't. 

How do you know? Maybe you are. 

you are old, i am not.

and it starts sometime around the age of twenty-four
where at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two
as you stand under the guidelines you explore
and the world plays some song about figuring it all out for a while
and the choices below are the melancholy soundcheck to the life you compile


Okay so a lot like love, my ducks seem to be aligning in a row. (movie reference)
I've got the nine to five. (call me Jolene if you wish)
I'm ticking the boxes of inevitably and fatally growing up.
Sure, it's a slow process, tiring at times and downright harsh but there is something so rewarding ending your work day knowing you have accomplished something.
That something could just be getting through the day with a hangover while answering calls with a chirpy charismatic pseudo voice. 
Nonetheless it's getting ticked. 

Now... the trick is to see if I can stick long enough in this life they call 'normal'.
According to my grandpa, who called me a foolish silly girl. Yes he said both foolish and silly in one breathe. His response to my epiphany to go volunteer in some (ANY!) Southern African country (besides my own). He may have mentioned a non-politically correct term or two with regards to who I want to "work" for. He is small-minded, of the worst kind. I guess where I'm going with this is that although I may be adapting to the monthly income job, I won't lose sight of the bigger picture I paint myself in. It's a means to an end. No, not really an end, more the opposite. A means to the beginning of my abnormal life longed to live. 
Biting the bullet. What a ridiculous idiom! Why position yourself in the firing line? Yes, okay maybe the shooter is an unforeseen opponent - then yes, bite that bloody bullet! Truth be told, I have not acquired that gunmetal taste. I would much rather use my advanced reflexes and dodge that thing! Basically, I've been dodging so much in my life I have developed a rather derivative robotic dance. It's not the kind of dance that wins "So you think you can Dance" or the "X Factor". It's the dance that people stop and stare in shock and horror. The realization that I will forever dance alone has hit home. I need new moves. 

While I learn this new dance, bullets are hitting me. Basically doing "the worm" right now I've been hit so many times. With patience, humility and passion I'm veering from my solo. The music is changing with or without me, and I'm all for new music. Along with these bullet holes come new experiences. With new experiences, my pallet grows in colors and tastes. Soon I will be biting the bullet and reversing its path of destruction. If I can march forward instead of sway sideways, I'll get to whatever is holding the gun. I'll have the know how, the perseverance and the resolution to stop the gun fire. Basically, I'll have the ability to make "World Peace". Then I'll have the 'means' to go volunteer in ALL the Southern African countries. So, Take that grandpa! 

You have to learn to breathe

Take it in stride

Be not the one to thieve

All that is his pride

a series of dead, when intentions burst.

I can't say this to you, but I'm going to say it nonetheless

I went on a "date" tonight...
The advantage of ease, the ability to collide when even the wrong words rhyme, was not present
I am bewildered at the effect it would have on me
It was a moment of realization

You are effortless

Not to say I was unaware
It was an attempt to avoid
The ever present of you and and I being void
In the complications of this
There is no way to to go back
There is no way to reverse
There is no way to ignore
There is no way

It's the inability
It's the paralytic state

How can one pass on this?
It goes against everything I know, feel and have experienced.

If it were not to be,
It wouldn't be so present.

Well I admit to the mistakes.
At least privately, in takes.
There is another one.

And I'd say we'll be okay
But thats a lie, I mean hey
We're all dying young.
It's the only thing I think
When I wake up in my bed,
And my stomach turns
As these pages turn.
Is the world burning?
Is it only in my head?


What reality?
What's reality? 
It's a FUCKING BULLET!

I have no solution
There is no winning side
I am lost to dissolution
But, beyond it all, I cried

I can't change how I feel
Wondering what we might have done instead.
There is no justification to the moral
Nor the movie it played out like a reel
Even if only in my head
It's the greater picture, that inhibits, the picture for all.

I'm battling
Never the thought of doing so
I'm torn
Like a nineties song, grow
In an incapable battle
That would my longing be fatal.

waisting sweetness to run and hide

i'm dead in the water.
when the universe happens to play your life out like a collection of moments and not journey's.
when the universe happens to have this irreconcilable hold on your predilection and natural reaction.
when the universe happens to be another word for stuff.
i'm drowning. in the vociferous idleness of it all.
dead in the water.

coveting

  

if this is a test

it's the kind i can't pass.

stripped to the waist

we fell into the river
we hold our breath
cover our eyes
so we don't know the secret.
the nights you could cope

your intentions were gold
but the mountains will shake.
i need to know I can still make explosions on the day you wake up
needing somebody that you've learned.
it's okay to be afraid
but it will never be the same

another time

if you never. 

Today, Tomorrow. Humility

As I sit here, listening to Mumford and Sons, I can't help but see the bigger picture that is life.

No great experience ever touched a life without the perseverance of humility. 

Meaning that, if you can remove yourself from all that you know, from all that pretentiously makes you as you know; the selfishness and rather seek to abate the divide between the cultures of this world. Then you are able to live with happiness, a sense of humanitarian belonging. To do what you are afraid to do, to expand passed your securities, to breach the life that inhibits you to a statistic.

Life begins when certainty ends. 

Every-morning you are thankful you woke up. Everyday you are faced with the options to your desires. Every-night you are thankful you can rest your eyes on the world. That sunshine that wakes you up - It is that which feeds the Earth. Those options you are faced with - Those are the journeys you take in this world. Those eyes you rest at night - Those are what open or shut the awareness of you brain, heart and soul. The choice of living your life as you see fit is entirely based on your conscious appreciations, hierarchy of self-needs and the often silenced impulsive pull of your heart. All of which can be altered, strayed or changed completely.

Help a stranger. Hug a friend, 
Today
Volunteer in an African country,
http://www.africanimpact.com/volunteer-projects,
Tomorrow
To grasp the enormity of a life. Look beyond your own,
Humility

Baltimore Blues

Baltimore Blues No.1 - Deer Tick

Kiss all your saviors goodbye

Offer them up to the dead

No kidding you know who's right

And whose got a price on their head

No doubt I'd sell you all out

For a pocket full of silver and gold

Way back when, when they made me one of them

Don't you know they're gonna' save my soul

I can't hang around with you like this my friend

Our time has come to an end

I can't play around with you no more

No, I'm seeing this open door

And I know you saw right through me

Afraid I'm taking you for a ride

But when you're dead you're dead

When you're gone you're gone

I got my conscience at both of my sides

I set out to disappear

And out there I found a new home

But listen Jack, you're on the wrong side of the tracks

At least now I don't have to walk it all alone

Can you hear the sound of the crawling flesh?

Now can you smell the burning desire?

This place is too small to hide

All the ghosts that's kicking around inside

What this town was entirely built upon

You can find it right between the eyes

Its a bullet hole that'll steal your soul

And roll you for your money and your diamonds

Chemistry, a bewildering force. Such a chameleon in its demise to appear out of the depths of life. To take over. To take over thought and dive. The depths of chemistry are not known. When you notice it, you’re already too far gone. It’s the attraction that needs no words, no cues, no hesitations. Yet here we are with all of those. There is no denying, the reason as to why, it’s a love that can’t stay. To be attainable is to defy time, fate and consequences. Enough with the logical truth, enough with the pretenses. What if you weren’t stuck on thought, what if you weren’t trapped by preservations, what if you let it unfold. There is a way to go about this, it’s unclear, it verges on uncontrollable. It seems distant, destructive and driven by selfishness. It’s wanting what you shouldn’t have. Not what you can’t, but what you are arguing yourself against. Free from morality, free from insanity. This type of self-corruptive denial is unforgiving. It plays on your mind like a Shakespeare story. Tragic makes the body of the story. The beginning is curiosity, the end. 

thoughts

There are almost 7 billion people on Earth. About 50 million in south africa. About 14 million between 20 and 34 years old. 14 million minds, hearts and possibilities. 

What makes a generation? Thirty years. Wars. Fashion. Music. Anti-establishment movements. Yes. All of these. However it depends on the individual to get involved. I fear for our "generation", in the sense that we've adopted the "someone else will do it" mentality. It is extremes, personal or political or both, that teach us the meaning of life. Without them, the excesses of the young provide a little of the excitement otherwise lacking. The outcome is a growing shallowness. An adolescent culture is one that lives on the surface, unencumbered by memory, light on knowledge and devoid of wisdom.

"Suburbia" and all it stands for, albeit standing on ant hills, is what is halting our opportunity to make history. 

Go back 50 years:

And now: We are so comfortable living day to day in a selfish shallow manner. That puts success down to what car you drive, what clothes you wear, what you did on the weekend? What music do you listen to? Are you"cultured"? Did you hook up? Did you get wasted? 

Instead we should ask:

What movement were you part of?  Or did you get drunk while you were protesting against a war? Perhaps the only war you know is the one with yourself.  There is little hope in a culture that bases their successes or failures on how many likes or comments they get on a social networking medium. If someone thirty years from now could see your life, would they "like" it? Would it be reminiscent of times of purpose. A new technological dynamic, manifest in the internet, mobiles and the like, which has left older generations feeling a little left out, and lent credence to a misplaced technological determinism among the young.

It sickens me to acknowledge that this "suburbia" is a trap. A catch 22. What lead to the youth of today being so eager to shock purely for shocking sake and not any kind of substance? Why are so many people outraged by a political situation, so outraged they share it on Facebook? Was its precursor the 60's, the very thing that lead to revolutions, peace, love and The Beatles? Did the pop culture of the 60's get so warped into this generation of today that has forgotten where it came from?
It's a catch 22 because vintage photos are deceiving. They appear idealistic almost ethereal in nature. However, the very same photo's you share online are our generations photos of a time, just 40 years away from now. There is nothing stopping you from taking a photo with meaning behind it. I don't remember seeing any pouting pictures in my parents albums. So the 60's brought media to the forefront. In a good way. However in time media has created facades. These facades have created fallacies in society. These societies have become our generation. And you're caught. In a shallow pit of denial, Jersey shore media and this ever present, don't quite know what to do with it, feeling in your bones and heart - there is way more than what I'm doing. 14 million South Africans are capable of much more. Surely Facebook cannot replace home made placards, mass crowds and the truth with a simple click of a button and "you've done your part for society" It's a tad lazy. It's not even a petition. We can say it shares awareness, sure. But if you're not willing to DO anything after you've become "aware"... it's all just a a fallacy. 

welcome to the... what do we even call our time?! the millennium 10's? sounds far too corporate.. but that's a whole other thought. 

all i was searching for

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP - Ben Howard

I spent my time watching

the spaces that had grown between us

And I cut my mind on second best

the scars that come with the greeness

I gave my eyes to the boredom

still the seabed wouldn’t let me in

And I tried my best to embrace the darkness

in which I swim

Now walking back down this mountain

with the strength of a turning tide

The wind so soft at my skin

the sun so hot upon my side

Looking out at this happiness

I searched for between the sheets

Feeling blind, to realise

All I was searching for was me

Oh all i was searching for was me

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

Keep your mind set, keep your hair long

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong

Keep your mind set in your ways

Keep your heart strong

I saw a friend of mine the other day

And he told me that my eyes were gleaming

I said I’d been away

and he knew the depths I was meaning

It felt so good to see his face

the comfort invested in my soul

To feel the warmth of his smile

when he said ‘I’m happy to have you home’

Oh im happy to have you home

Keep your head up...

Because I’ll always remember you the same

Eyes like wildflowers with your demons of

change

May you find happiness there

May all your hopes turn out right

Kepp your head up...

Because I’ll always remember you the same

Eyes like wildflowers with your demons of

change

lighting blankets on fire

Set myself on a mission

So baby please listen

Cos this one's for you

Im lighting all the blankets on fire

Can you sense my desire

To cater to you

I'm holding your heart in my hands

Gathering our memories inside

Thinking of you

I'm watching the shade fade to nothing

Sitting here just hoping for something

From you

I've walked in shame

And crawled in pain

Taken off my clothing 

And slept in the rain

Hung my pride

And put my drink aside

Opened up my house

And let a stranger inside

Cos all 

All I can see was you

Everybody knows

I'm living in the past

I know this myself

But I just want to make it last

Holding onto photos

And holding onto letters

I imagine myself 

Back in the arms of the man

I'm in love with

I've pulled back the curtains

Cos baby I'm so certain

That you'll come back 

To me

I've marked all the dates

On the calendar

Convincing the world

You're just a traveller

And that

You're coming home to me

I've walked in shame

And crawled in pain

Taken off my clothing 

And slept in the rain

Hung my pride

And put my drink aside

Opened up my house

And let a stranger inside.

Cos all 

All I can see was you

Kailah King - Holding onto letters 

Everybody knows

I'm living in the past

I know this myself

But I just want to make it last

Holding onto photos

And holding onto letters

I imagine myself 

Back in the arms of the man

I'm in love with

sometimes science makes you irrational.

I know I'm only 24 years old and my quarter life crisis is only scheduled for next year (six months actually) when I get cut off from my disposable income aka pocket money. At 25, your frontal lobe fuses. I kind of feel like mine fused a long time ago but not entirely in the sense it should have... But nonetheless here's some background information about your frontal lobe. The thing that is making you grow the fuck up:

"The prefrontal cortex (PFC) is located in the very front of the brain, just behind the forehead. In charge of abstract thinking and thought analysis, it is also responsible for regulating behavior. This includes mediating conflicting thoughts, making choices between right and wrong, and predicting the probable outcomes of actions or events. This brain area also governs social control, such as suppressing emotional or sexual urges. Since the prefrontal cortex is the brain center responsible for taking in data through the body's senses and deciding on actions, it is most strongly implicated in human qualities like consciousness, general intelligence, and personality. Medical studies have shown that the PFC is the last section of the brain to mature. In other words, while all other brain regions are fully developed early in life, its development is not complete until around age 25." http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-the-prefrontal-cortex.htm

Okay, so bearing that in mind - preferably your frontal lobe. Why at age 24, are all the hard hitting questions I've been hit with (for lack of a better word) appearing to be of urgency. Like, of immediate attention! I simply, cannot handle another six months of incessantly uncertain thinking, planning and "finding" my calling. 

A calling. According to various websites, dictionaries, and blog posts, it is work that gives you immense satisfaction. You wouldn’t necessarily even want to be paid for it. A passion fueled by determination and natural talent.

But what is our purpose in life? Is it something that stems from one’s beliefs? But how do you form your beliefs? Aren’t your beliefs based on the knowledge you have at any given point of time? And if that is so, shouldn’t they change as you grow, as you are exposed to new ideas, thoughts and people? And if your beliefs change, then doesn’t your purpose in life also alter in direction?

So, how do we say that a calling is something constant and tangible? Within our reach if you will? That somehow you know, or a switch flips and BAM! you realize this one thing is what you're supposed to be doing with your life, ultimately what you have been born to do. Isn’t it all based on where you are at any given moment of time in your life.  Taking in all that you have learned about yourself and your surroundings.  Is a calling defined by what you feel is the best you can do with your talent, time, energy, and expertise - but only at this moment in time? Is a calling something that developed and progressed, whether it be known or unbeknown to the callee? (if that is even a word, predictive text didn't correct it, so I'm assuming it is). Do we go our whole life (up to the age of 25), fostering this talent and specific skill set until, finally our brain is mature enough to realize what it's worth? This is a generalization, and there are few to many anomalies to my theory. The lucky ones, who discover "their calling" way before science and bodily changes prompt them to. 

I get it. Life. I mean, at least I think I do. Explore, experience, question, learn, love... live. I know that you cannot fully explore if you're not willing to take risks. You cannot experience if you are not willing to try. You cannot question if you do not question yourself. You cannot learn if you do not explore, experience or question. And you cannot love if you are not willing to let someone else ask the questions for a change, someone else "in" per say, to explore and experience and love. And ultimately you cannot live if you have not loved. Cliche but true. You cannot live if you have not loved another or yourself. And the way to love oneself is to have explored, experienced and questioned oneself within and within one's surroundings. It has taken a good 24 years to touch on the surface of life as an ascertainable "thing". 

That's just it though. It's just the surface. There is more to my current life, I just wish it would miraculously come to me as a "light bulb" moment. This calling of mine (Which I believe, everyone does have their own calling to "respond" to.) 

Until then, I will keep exploring, experiencing etc... Keep on trucking on. Making mistakes, realizing that practice is actually quite important and positivism is essential. Not saying you should fake it till you make it, I actually despise that saying. Rather ask questions you fakers!! But rather, be grateful for where you are at this moment in your life. Even if 25 looms in the near distant future, and society does believe you should have found yourself or I'd go as far as to say having found "yourself in society" Damn that calling idealism!!  It's not what you do, it's who you are. And if you can be who you are within and while you do what you do. Well, you're a winner. Congratulations, I hope you didn't rush into things, get married too early, develop a hatred for Aids orphans, wish you had never accomplished that Noble Peace prize, are head deep in all your money and investments only to realize, at 25, that in fact this is not who you are.  Ah man, "the frontal lobe fuse" might fuck you over. Good Luck with that.

I have six months. 

Default settings

If you're taken down to your core. Stripped from daily narcotics. From daily distractions. From the facade you're portraying to the world. What are your fundamentals? Where is it that you go? Who is it that you are? Would you be proud of your default settings?

Take away your perception of yourself, the perception others have of you. What makes you who you are? What cognitive processes have developed your mental algorithms? A lot of this comes down to basic instinct, conscious and unconscious processes, actions and reactions. From the moment your parent's said "Yes/No" or "That's right/wrong" - you were learning. Learning the algorithms of your make up. Your mental, emotional and moral capacity.

Now, my question -

How is it possible for people to vary so much on basic human default settings? Life is all about learning, exploring, admiring, loving, appreciating and experiencing. It is these fundamentals of life that should shape one's ability to acknowledge right from wrong; morally, emotionally, mentally and physically.

Does it come down to maturity levels?

Take this poster from viruscomix.com "THE MATURITY CLIMB" for example:

But one can argue that maturity is not something you are or not. It's not a ladder you climb. It's not something that simply arrives on your doorstep or in the post with your PHD. It's a wide sweeping generalization created by whatever society you live in. Thus, maturity is simply a construction of humans to judge other humans. To compare maturity levels is almost hypocritical yet there is a definite line drawn in today's society, marking mature from immature. You can be mature in one thing and not in another. Maturity traits differ from person to person, but ultimately we're expected to have reached a certain "level" at a "certain" age. 

So, back to my question.  If your human default settings are based on the fundamentals of your up-bringing and your "maturity" level - what is the step between believing your parents every word, the brainwashing of daily exposure to media and pressure from society to the place and person you want to be? 


A social exchange hypothesis:

Social Input relations + Social output relations = cognitive processes 

(upbringingXexposureXexperience)

I believe some of the best characteristics of a person are to enquire, question, contemplate and respond. To others; family, friends and strangers and also to one's self.
It's what bridges the gap between mature and immature, realism and surrealism, self preservation and self exploration. I also believe that these characteristics SHOULD be part of our mental algorithms. It is only logical to act and react in a certain way that will advance one's mental, emotional and moral capacity. How are people so set in their own ways to not acknowledge a lack in "maturity" or their slightly off-track behavioral characteristics?

People need the initiative and drive to WANT to better themselves. And the "better" means to be who, how and where you believe you should be. If one settles, is content or simply doesn't have the ambition, the accession and the want to move forward within and beyond the fundamentals of one's life - then there really is no point in trying to integrate into society, to have friends or to try and prove a point.
If one doesn't expose oneself to the possibility to learn from mistakes, from people around you or simply from just being observant enough to acknowledge one's own faults and want to improve them, then they are limiting themselves to a life of ignorance and not intellect, to be benighted and not eruditely in stature, restricting oneself to rather always choose the lesser path.


So if you happen to startle your current self into recognizing that you need to make an asserted effort to cultivate yourself down to your core, then I suggest you immerse yourself in conversation, in books, involve your curious self in matters of "maturity". It is only by these means will you discover who you really are.

stuff that drives me looney

The  midwife named me Tweety bird within the first few seconds of my life. I refuse to accept the idea that this was due to the fact that my forehead was weirdly proportioned to the rest of my face. Or the reference to Tweety being a male, or initially ambiguous as birds are. 

However I do feel that she was not far off when it comes to "illustrating" my character. See, Tweety bird is rather malicious, self-protective and down right cruel, all while portraying a sweet innocence. Now, this is a tad severe acknowledgment of self-criticism. Although, I may have an inkling of these qualities; the main resemblance to Tweety is the way he/she deals with his/her adversaries. After playing a game of cat and mouse for so long, Tweety deciphers a manipulative, calculated plan to disperse of said adversaries; Tweety steers the enemy toward an accomplice or another device (such as off the ledge of a tall building or an oncoming train).  
I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I'm not a fan of confrontation and would rather find other means to deal with situations, and well, not be the final cause of annihilation. More figuratively speaking, I don't mind giving the push, but I'm not going to take the blame for the concrete you fell onto after falling 3000feet, and while falling you may or may not have hit a few cliff hanging trees along the way. Those trees were probably natures way of smacking the sense into you. 


Okay, so Sylvester gains a lot of sympathy and is all adorable with his lisp and red nose. Yes, one does feel empathetic to the cat, who is relentless in killing my vibe, I mean, killing Tweety. One has got to give the cat credit for trying and dying the most amount of times than any other Loony Tunes character, yes more than Wile. E Coyote. However many times he seems to walk into an oncoming train, he does not learn.  Perhaps it's Tweetys' birds-eye view that works to his/her advantage, but it has got to be the most frustrating thing to have to constantly kill off this cat time and time again. 
If I was nicknamed Sylvester by the midwife, it probably would have been a self-fulfilling prophecy of always being on the short side of the stick. Like Sylvester; Coyote, Daffy and Porky Pig are cartoonifications (yes, I made that word up) of the antagonists in life. How they do not learn from their experiences baffles me. It is them which make Tweety, Roadrunner, and Bugs more worthy of protagonist qualities.  

I guess there are ample characters in this life that well, are a tad Looney, and that makes for some good old fashioned entertainment.  As a child growing up watching Looney Tunes, I knew (the midwife knew too) that there was no way I was sitting on the fence with Sylvester, Coyote and Porky Pig. 
Perhaps the large forehead was a resemblance of my brain. In that case, I will accept the idea that it's why I got called Tweety. 
Hmm... my other nickname is mouse, like Tom from Tom and Jerry.... 

ever so often...

There are moments in life when you take a step back.  close your eyes. inhale. 

and your brain instantly fills with so many thoughts, ideas, wishes, wants, needs, resentments, regrets, feelings from the past the future and the present. 

Take another step, but forward. 

exhale. 

 those thoughts are still there. 

"Heaven's not the place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive."

tik tok on the clock but the party dont stop...

New Years in the City. In Russian Hill District.

with only 6 weekends to go in the states i am a smorgasbord of emotion! yes, i long for salty sea air and summer sun, but i will miss having 4 actual seasons, ridiculous holidays and well... the list is long, and im sure i will reminiscence over many things back in Umhlanga (um-shlung-ga)