Oh hi
I wrote this in May or June 2019:
What's happening in your beautiful life?
Taking it back, I don't think we've ruined it so far to not care, right?
Or to not want to know that each of us are winning at this thing, life.
Every time I find myself holding the steering wheel with my right pinky finger knotted under my other fingers, I think of you. Why?
It's rather random. But it stems from the first time I ever noticed this pinky habit of mine...
2014, en route to a weekend of subtle need. It was late, too late to be driving that road, rather daring even.
A weekend of talking, determined lamb roasting, exploring and again, again of just you and me.
Separate bedrooms but a closeness I had never felt before. It was a utopian weekend I will never forget.
The endeared awkwardness, the music show-off, the dawning of an ease to come.
Thank-you for your impeccable hospitality in my then rambling dire state. Thank-you for that and being yourself. The hard truths, the Judas goat, thank-you for every fucking moment really.
It's the past, I get that, but it was momentous to me.
I don't think you know the impact you have on other people just by being you. Even if you feel like you may be exhausted, trying too hard or omitting - you've got a euphoric and life altering presence nonetheless.
You do not need to search for love for it will be all around you.
Mostly because you've cultivated it and I know... how? How can you as a human, whom may have done so much wrong in this world cultivate something so powerful?
A lot if it has to do with your upbringing but it also has to do with how you've grown as your own.
Learning humility, admitting you can always absorb and opening your mind is only but three of the many things I was privileged to see you tackle, and acknowledge, in such a short amount of time.
When I would spin things in a different way, as I do, to see your expression of "oh wait, I never saw it that way", that's one of many many things.
Bru, use your practicality to a degree but don't hesitate. There's a thing in you that's not given enough credit. Your heart. Stop second guessing it. For a moment and, just a moment is all it takes, follow your heart.
I know you judge it, fear it, hell, even resent it sometimes...
But when shown, it's the most candid heart I have ever held for but a moment.
If I can, from those moments, see it's potential then Lord, it's powerful.
I thought we had it.
The stuff that would make me believe in being with one person, the person, for the rest of time. Honestly thought you saw me and I you and we could resolve all issues through love. My bad. Your bad too.
I don't know if you need this but I'm sorry for making you choose your mind over your heart.
Things changed but only because I had hit the panic button not because I'd been with someone else or because I loved you less.
My fault of wanting it all but not knowing how to navigate without a plan. I'm sure you had the idea that I was 'chill, go with the flow', and you went with that. Until I started making plans and it all got real.
Because in actuality I'm partial to a plan. This only shushed your heart and triggered your logical mind - which instead of figuring it out decided not to connect with my want of a future with you.
Truth, the reality scared both of us.
I was scared of losing you. Funny that.
You were scared of us disappointing each other, sacrifices being all for nothing.
It's truth, you never trusted me.
But you never gave me enough credit to trust me being with you.
The being with you was the game changer.
I hope I can meet someone who has all your qualities par the doubt. Someone who isn't so quick to think I would be a shitty person to them. Someone who may have more courage, matching their heart.
The m&ms, the backtrack to fetch a wallet, the first person to cuddle sleeping, I know I want that stuff. But I also know I want someone who doesn't throw in the towel when my own worst demons surface and make it harder.
I know I do it, test a person by faux running away. Making it harder. Enter abandonment issues.
Because that's all it was. Never loved you less. Instead I searched for a deep deep love in you. The kind that says fuck it and beats the doubt and beats the practicality.
I wanted that punch-drunk illogical yet true love with you.
I just remembered the first time I met you.
It feels like it was another lifetime,
experienced by a clueless 20 something year old in search of an... experience.
You were wearing a tropical shirt - that, or I had a tropical drink in hand - but you were just as arrogantly mixed and self involved. Completely matching my jug of tropics, I thought those were your ingredients, as you sticky'd up to my friend.
The words you spoke went straight up my straw and into my mind with the slickness of a prick, dare I say cock-tail. Making my skin crawl with sweet sweet stay aways.
Just sip your own jug Rox, was what I thought.
If you're going to get on the same level as this person, who your friend has clearly conquered, sip the fuck up.
I did that for all of maybe six minutes, all those thoughts, all that chugging, then you said you were a ghost writer.
And that changed everything.
You didn't know because you were just swirling your ingredients to the surface. The hard liquor stuff.
There was depth to your cockiness.
Maybe even a rock bottom.
Either way, it was then, that exact moment, those words you just happened to mention, post third tequila shot (I'm guessing as I can't recall you wearing any shoes).
Of course, I went off to make bad decisions.
You went off to become an enigma.
