It has been a while since I sat down to type my incoherent thoughts out. To get them out, out of my mind, out of my being and out in the open where they can lift and leave. These thoughts can become lumpish and immobilizing if not freed. So I've been mantra-ing to myself: let that shit go.
Now my thoughts aren't all bad. They're just thoughts progressive to healing. In fact, I've given too much credit to them, they are not they's - instead what whispers of pondering thoughts I have are simply that, whispers. Loud enough to just hear but faint enough to ignore. Dense and deep enough to have meaning but swift and shifting like breathing. With every inhalation they come and leave on the exhalation, much like pen to paper and fingers to keyboard, I sometimes sit with thoughts but they are not me.
Life is like a coin with two sides. Every morning we flip that coin up in the air and depend our lives on which side it lands. Not even realising we do it, routine enough task like brushing your teeth. Every morning, every day. We place our fate in this coin that we hastily throw up in the air in total disregard and with clumsy focus it may fall and scatter. We then search, scrounge and get on our hands and knees in hope to see where and which way it landed. With blind hope and anticipation, this coin is all we are looking for and at. The coin isn't the problem. Everyday is the catalyst and what you do with that coin is the solution. But the problem is that we don't know what to do with that coin from the point of throwing it up to higher ground, watching it fall, land and settle - and then what to do with the side it lands on, and every moment after that. Why am I even mentioning this coin if we clearly have no idea how to handle it? Well, that's life. Life is waking up, relinquishing your fate to something out of your control but so much greater than yourself, life is both flying and falling, life is gravity, life is worthy, life's a gamble and life is hitting or skimming ground, settling or cherishing. It's ying and yang, it's good and bad, it's hard and easy, and it's never one sided.
What to do with the coin then?
Wake up. Be still. Hold that coin, your life. Connect with it.
Send it up. Watch it.
Don't let your intention be one-sided. Don't let your hopes be dependent. Don't anticipate disappointment.
Watch the coin but be still.
You won't have to search, scrounge or get on your hands and knees.
With little effort you will see where it lands, the whole picture of it.
Now set your intention, that no matter which side that coin landed - you saw it leave your hands, touch the height above you and fall to maybe bounce a few times but eventually it lay still on its side.
The side.
One of two options.
Sit still like that coin.
Set your intention for that day on the same side as that coin.
The side that's meant to be.
Without dependency, without anticipation and without haste - if you connected without these.
Let that coin be. Let your life be.
Breathe, pick up the coin and go brush your teeth
Your day is now and you are worthy and entirely impelled in and by the same hands that guided the coin down to the ground after it left yours.
The Other Side Of The Coin:
I know I am not whole, enlightened, free - I am broken in places I can't yet see and possibly never will. The broken places I can see aren't easy to fix with glue and gold. It's not easy being broken or repaired in some way or another, it creates points of weakness that if under pressure will buckle and break. Break once again. And again. There are days, more frequent than days that there are not, that I gasp for breath and my pupils constrict and I see no light. When I heavily drown in the stormy ocean of my thoughts alone. So alone that not even the salty water stings, I am just numb to it all. If I breathe I take in more salty fluid to fill my lungs that overflow into my heart that drinks it in like it's never drunk before. But it has. My heart has done this before, many times, it almost likes the familiar taste and the routine choking, purging, choking. Forcing itself to beat this way to know I am alive. Barely. Brokenly. With an elastic lyric, an audible car, an orange sunrise, an apparent ocean and an evening of just stars - my heart pretends to beat like it doesn't.
I know I am not whole, with or without you. But you're haunting my mind, my ego, my heart, my body. You're the ghost that I can hear but can't talk to. I hear your words, they sting more than salt and they heal only you. I feel you are healing while you haunt. And I am hurting while I harden. I have sold my soul and I can't get it heard again. My soul is in the dungeons of complacency and tied to a binding unspoken contract. You heal, I harden. You from me, and I from you. Selling my soul along with every fiber in my body. Selling my soul along with every connection within and outside of my body. To you. From you, away and disconnected. It's a hell to me. "If anyone asked me "What is hell?" I would answer "distance between people who love each other" But only I feel the distance like a burning inferno that starves me of oxygen and burns my face red hot. Not all the time but rather a creeping torture with every remembering or longing. And I can distract this devil, I can distract him well. I have been playing this game with the devil for quite some time. Although he grips me I am able to hide the hurt from him enough to pretend I'm okay with it. The devil is my thoughts and my sinking ship. The devil is my heart and the blinking hope. A real trickster, but my counter tricks get me by. They turn my sinking ship into a submarine, impenetrable from the outside. They turn my heart into beating, habitually. And so the devil and I live, but we do not love. You cannot love what is wrong, what is hell, what is not your soul. What is disconnected. Love is truth and the devil is not that nor is this godforsaken binding contract of unspoken words and unheld hearts. This is hell to me.
Do I need to be saved? From the devil which is my thoughts and disconnected heart? Which is me. Yes. But the truth, the love and the savior is the hardest fucking thing to find in yourself. That's the disconnection that needs repairing. That's the scariest side of the coin.
Looking at this side myself, would you be okay with what was there? Could we flip our coins together and then you go brush your teeth and go about your day as I do mine and we continue to flip our coins together so we are not in silence and solitude? And free from hell.
