To feel so conclusively...

It's enough repeating myself now.  Time to be brutally honest with it all.  Deep down I've always known, it was never meant to be, instead it would destroy me.  Beyond the picturesque you there is a harshness and irreverence that continues to demolish my everything.  Saving the world is great but being blind to people in front of you is rough and miserable.  You're depowering me everytime. 
The sadness of it all is your benightedness. 

Making others feel uncomfortable for the sake of saying or doing something inappropriate.  Whether it be reaching for my crotch in public or speaking to guy's girlfriends about masturbation as a form of entertainment, it becomes shallow, ignominious and afflictive. 
Wanting me to save you from being a third wheel, getting upset when I tell you I actually have plans to see friends for dinner.  Heaven forbid I do something that doesn't revolve around you.  I have never met or given my heart to someone so completely selfish.  It's over now, my heart in pieces scattered around, strung together in a mobile hanging above your devilish crib for the child you are to play with at your will.  It's going though.  I'm taking back my luster broken heart.  You won't see it, as I am invisible to you.  You won't know it because you don't even know me. 

I'll admit, I wanted it to work more than I should have.  My imagination won over my common sense.  Beyond the surrealism there is a harsh reality.  Either you know this already and that is why it has ended in the now or you have yet to step out and take a step back and see that I'm still breaking by loving you.  Then and currently still loving you but no longer in love with you and that's the difference.  To be "in love" - would be to feel it, wholly.  I never did.  It never made me feel whole because I never got enough back to fill what I was giving.  A few moments, a few words, smiles, games, joys, nights, that never grew. 
Perhaps if I could speak what I write instead it would make a difference, I never had the chance. 
You wouldn't have listened either, given a chance.

To feel so conclusively sad - how I don't wish this on anyone, but I know I'm not the only one.  Parting from the sadness, I grow.  Not knowing just yet how.  I need to love harder than I've been hurt.  I need to love not you.  Then shall my heart earn its luster back, its glow. 
"When we no longer need but choose which comes from a place of strength not weakness... so solidify yourself" 

_______________________________

_______________________________

I'm sad because I'm telling my heart what to do. 
It shouldn't be that way, instead:
Can I lay by your side, next to you
And make sure you're alright?
I'll take care of you 
I don't want to be here if I can't be with you tonight
I'm reaching out to you
Can you hear my call (who's to say you won't hear me?)
This hurt that I've been through
I'm missing you, missing you like crazy
The you my heart still imagines.

as humans

Woken up like an animal
Teeth ready for sinking
My mind's lost in bleak visions
I've tried to escape but keep thinking

Limbs lost to a dead weight state
This skull caged like a prison
And he's lost faith he'll ever see again
The soul mate he once thought of me then

Underneath the skin there's a human
Buried deep within there's a human
And despite everything I'm still human
But I think I'm dying here

Woken up like an animal
I'm un-ready for healing
My mind's lost with nightmares streaming
Woken up, kicking, screaming

Oh.  Take me out of this place I'm in
Oh.  Break me out of this shell-like case I'm in

Underneath the skin there's a human
Buried deep within there's a human
Despite everything I'm still human

I think I'm still human
I think I'm dying here
I think I'm still human

Underneath the skin there's a human
Buried deep within there's a human
Despite everything I'm still human
But I think I'm dying here

letters to myself

I've never done it.  I've never just been. I've never had it.  I've never even started. 
It's too late
It's too late
It's all guesswork
It shouldn't be
To start again
To start again
I wrote of the now
This is it
Inside 
Inside
I've never tried.  I've never believed.  I've never dreamed.  I've never seen.
I will
I will
I am I am
To listen.  To love
To fight.
I am.

Your Correspondent

 Listen now. When people talk listen completely.  Don’t be thinking what you’re going to say.  Most people never listen.  Nor do they observe.  You should be able to go into a room and when you come out know everything that you saw there and not only that. If that room gave you any feeling you should know exactly what it was that gave you that feeling.  Try that for practice.  When you’re in town stand outside the theatre and see how the people differ in the way they get out of taxis or motor cars.  There are a thousand ways to practice.  And always think of other people. 
- Ernest Hemingway 

http://elitedaily.com/life/culture/8-hard-truths-all-aspiring-writers-must-accept/702836/

and I feel in some way I do love you Keaton Henson

You're truly alone and you like it 

It's dark and it's deep, it's sad and it's damned.

The day 

This day just happens 

Circles of spirals, feels and fastens

Knowing not but taught

To myself, 

Start to infinite

Infant to contort, 

To delve

Nowhere

No longer dark at the bottom, no

Trying

But I've gotten

To be truly alone

And like it, lying.

I'll have the waffles and spaghetti. Together? Yes.

Illusive conclusions perhaps? The beginning, the moment of clarity is lasting longer.  Oh! the maturity of growing up is taking its effect.  An invitation to the cause.  That cause being my purpose, my direction and ultimately, my readiness.  I've marked the rsvp to the future, my future, where the party of unknown guests dance with my happiness, hungry in an entwined spaghetti hallway. 

_________________________________

I ordered two desserts.  I couldn't decide between, so I ordered both.  I ate them finished and boy did I enjoy my gluttonous feast!  Starting with a bit of each, deciding which was the lesser and savouring the other.  Until I mixed both options in my mouth... I couldn't not do that again!  It was like I created this perfection of sweetness captured.  But that sweet contentedness soon craves saltier perfections.  And this is my analogy to life.  I'm indecisive, I order more than I need, I feast in one or two things and only once I've depleted that perfection do I crave a third option, most likely so far from the initial choices.  Forever wanting, never accepting.  My spaghetti hallway is long, winding and sticky but it's one hell of a party that I'm committing to.  

At the same dinner as my behavioural character display with regards to dessert, I learned something.  Something I love to learn.  A new way of thinking.  
"Your brain can either be a waffle or spaghetti"
"Hahahahaha" I laugh as I sip my cappuccino before dinner even starts, "Is that even a thing?"
"Yeah, people either compartmentalize their life and thoughts or they're like spaghetti."
It's a visually obvious analogy.  I tell him to elaborate.
"Well take your dad for example, he thinks in Belgian waffle squares, the syrup strategically in each square"
"Well, yeah I guess, everyone can compartmentalize and be waffles but sooner or later, especially if there's too much, that syrup ends up all over the plate, your face and in your hair"
"That's if you're eating it!"
Touché
He carries on with this discussion - I'm thinking of delicious sweet waffles covered in syrup now.  
I'm getting hungry,  we order dinner.
"It is an actual thing, they say most men are waffles whereas females are spaghetti"
"But my mom?"
At this stage my mom informs us that she is indeed a waffle.  He carries on.
"Well, I'm spaghetti, so it's not limited to male versus female"
He is spaghetti for sure.  He just proved it.
So the just of this, as you can imagine:
Waffle brains are like a big Belgian waffle with defined compartments, each for one thing and one thing only.  Examples: football, computer issues, work issues, family, and watching TV.  Spaghetti brains are likely to cover five or six topics when asked a simple question - from making a dental appointment to discussing the economic development state of the world - before they get back to the question.  And, while the waffle brain is getting mental whiplash trying to follow this disconnected discourse, it’s all smoothly interconnected to the spaghetti brain.

I wish I had asked his spaghetti brain...
"So how does it work?  How do they work together, as humans?"
I know my mom and dad are both waffles.  Do you have to be the same to understand each other and live happily ever after?  Someone tell me!  This could save my love life or lack thereof.
Sure, ying and yang and that equilibrium stuff work together too.  A balance of waffle and spaghetti.  It doesn't sound great together, but who am I to judge combining two meals in one bite.  In fact, only when I had both desserts in my mouth was I truly satisfied (momentarily nonetheless).  But they were both desserts.  The same category. 
I wish this thought of spaghetti wasn't so long and entangled in syrup.
This is a conclusion I have yet to come to.

On the other hand, I should really book a dentist appointment.

_________________________________

My future
The conclusion
Wildfire travels have been simmered down
Down to concrete floors
Not cold but inviting
Serenity in my space
My work my commitment
The conclusion
My future


New adventure:

http://www.pinterest.com/roxyboomboxy/rent/