something's fused

It has come to my attention that the concept of the reacher/settler is quite pivotal to my life. There is always a reacher or settler in what they call a relationship, or namely an acquaintance. 

One person is far “superior” than the other. Superior in looks or personality, mostly looks though. Perhaps, if you scored people out of 10 (if is good) a person pushing a standard 6 who was interested in an above average 8 - they would be reaching.

Basically reaching beyond their depth or rank. You may score substantially higher in personality than looks, but one way or another you will be inferior. If an inferior miraculously happens to grab the attention of a superior, said superior is settling.  In the sense of nouns, this is what the definition comes to mean. It may seem shallow or meaningless but you cannot deny that it happens with most to many people. The few that get it right, the right balance of aesthetics and human interest, well they might be married or dead from over-awesomeness. 

Not only is this concept as deep as a puddle, it’s also explained in verb form. At a slightly deeper level. If you were to thesaurus this concept (not really though) it would reply with the word “effort”. Now I’m not one to define efforts; it is complex to compare, acknowledge or rectify. But I am human, in the female version, so I do subconsciously keep tabs. 

Realizing I am a reacher in the verb sense has been a painful pill to swallow. I reach. Just re-reading that last sentence makes me wretch. If it’s not hard, if it’s not an inconvenience, if it’s not worth second guessing I will make the effort. It could come down to values and how much you value the other person, even if they may meet the standards of a reacher in noun form. It may stem from the fact that I’m competitive in a loving manner. Having said that, it is undoubtedly not fun to “compete” alone. The settler can also be termed as the taker. To settle with the idea that all my efforts will continuously be taken for grated is a short-sighted, selfish and naive notion. I learn from my mistakes. If you happen to be a mistake, I won’t make it twice. I am not settling to always be the reacher. Some kind of reciprocation would be appreciated. I get that everyone has their own way to portray that they are making an “effort” but please be aware that this portrayal has to be obvious to the receiver otherwise it is null and void. You may just be dime a dozen. You may just not be that into me. You may just be a personality encased in a computer. 

It was a summer night, the stars were all aligned, you showed up and blew my mind. we didn’t sleep at all, played records all night long. that night I kind of fell in love. something in your kiss made my body electric, you set me free. that night brought to life all the magic that’s inside of you and me. When you grow a pair you can call me back, and no I don’t want to see your mangina.

february - thank goodness you are short.

I may have put too much thought into my frontal lobe.  Although I do realize that the years go faster, the weekends are shorter and my heart has got bruised, bigger and bolder. If this is what growing up feels like, then sure, I think I can handle.  If there is one thing I have learnt recently you cannot will anything or anyone to become or do anything if it is beyond your control, beyond exhaustion of efforts. You cannot claim you had the power to bring the subject to your willed position if it in fact was inevitable either. I'm not waiting for explosions, on the Chernobyl scale, I'm giving it back to the fates now. This, is growing up. Not giving up. Instead of being dead in the water, I'm gearing up for an arctic swim. It's going to be challenging and it'll go against all my habitual survival mechanisms. To change focus with blinkers on, to brake at full speed and to swallow the knives of stubbornness.

This blog is titled "A dream is the place where a wish and a fear meet" The fear is consummately the thing that can destroy you. "When the wish and the fear are exactly the same, he said, we call the dream a nightmare." When you are at the crossroads challenge of wish and fear and the latter loses the battle. That is the dream. It's not the ideas you get when you're asleep, it's the feeling of being most alive. Seeing it for what it is and can be in many crippling forms and disregarding fear. Everything I've done up to now has set me up for a pretty sweet quarter-life crisis.

Hold the crisis. 

I once tried to impress a boy, at the age of eleven. It ended in a rather ridiculing ride in a toddlers pram to the car and four stitches. The scar is healed but it's there, it's small but it's to the bone. Over time, I forget about it but occasionally the tickle of something across my shin and the disappearance of that feeling reminds me. You can't balance on innate objects, you will get hurt. Whether the object is a stationary boat trailer or an inert human.

So no more blog posts of love lost or stolen and forgotten. I'm fighting the blinkers. I'm ignoring the intermittent tickle. I'm done speaking my mind, you're not being a nicer guy. If you tried.