up against the clouds

And I don't feel like you're falling

Growing, it sways, this vulnerability

We're up against the sky

I smile like I know the world has been found

I cannot swim around

Smiles fade, they become disbanded

Pursuance is what I acquire

This leads the situation dire and afire.

to watch them fall with you in slow motion

How do you know? Maybe you are. 
it was made of mercury
it would come together later piece by piece.

Keeping my feet on the ground, I'm trying 
These thoughts are in the clouds, I'm dying.
But you look good when you wear it well,
White T, disheveled hair and eyes open,
Laughing, lingering and unspoken.
It's not inertia I'm trying to sell.

Relentless curiosity that transpires. 

This may, 

But it hasn't. 

How do you know? Maybe you are. 

you are old, i am not.

and it starts sometime around the age of twenty-four
where at least that's when you lose yourself for a minute or two
as you stand under the guidelines you explore
and the world plays some song about figuring it all out for a while
and the choices below are the melancholy soundcheck to the life you compile


Okay so a lot like love, my ducks seem to be aligning in a row. (movie reference)
I've got the nine to five. (call me Jolene if you wish)
I'm ticking the boxes of inevitably and fatally growing up.
Sure, it's a slow process, tiring at times and downright harsh but there is something so rewarding ending your work day knowing you have accomplished something.
That something could just be getting through the day with a hangover while answering calls with a chirpy charismatic pseudo voice. 
Nonetheless it's getting ticked. 

Now... the trick is to see if I can stick long enough in this life they call 'normal'.
According to my grandpa, who called me a foolish silly girl. Yes he said both foolish and silly in one breathe. His response to my epiphany to go volunteer in some (ANY!) Southern African country (besides my own). He may have mentioned a non-politically correct term or two with regards to who I want to "work" for. He is small-minded, of the worst kind. I guess where I'm going with this is that although I may be adapting to the monthly income job, I won't lose sight of the bigger picture I paint myself in. It's a means to an end. No, not really an end, more the opposite. A means to the beginning of my abnormal life longed to live. 
Biting the bullet. What a ridiculous idiom! Why position yourself in the firing line? Yes, okay maybe the shooter is an unforeseen opponent - then yes, bite that bloody bullet! Truth be told, I have not acquired that gunmetal taste. I would much rather use my advanced reflexes and dodge that thing! Basically, I've been dodging so much in my life I have developed a rather derivative robotic dance. It's not the kind of dance that wins "So you think you can Dance" or the "X Factor". It's the dance that people stop and stare in shock and horror. The realization that I will forever dance alone has hit home. I need new moves. 

While I learn this new dance, bullets are hitting me. Basically doing "the worm" right now I've been hit so many times. With patience, humility and passion I'm veering from my solo. The music is changing with or without me, and I'm all for new music. Along with these bullet holes come new experiences. With new experiences, my pallet grows in colors and tastes. Soon I will be biting the bullet and reversing its path of destruction. If I can march forward instead of sway sideways, I'll get to whatever is holding the gun. I'll have the know how, the perseverance and the resolution to stop the gun fire. Basically, I'll have the ability to make "World Peace". Then I'll have the 'means' to go volunteer in ALL the Southern African countries. So, Take that grandpa! 

You have to learn to breathe

Take it in stride

Be not the one to thieve

All that is his pride

a series of dead, when intentions burst.

I can't say this to you, but I'm going to say it nonetheless

I went on a "date" tonight...
The advantage of ease, the ability to collide when even the wrong words rhyme, was not present
I am bewildered at the effect it would have on me
It was a moment of realization

You are effortless

Not to say I was unaware
It was an attempt to avoid
The ever present of you and and I being void
In the complications of this
There is no way to to go back
There is no way to reverse
There is no way to ignore
There is no way

It's the inability
It's the paralytic state

How can one pass on this?
It goes against everything I know, feel and have experienced.

If it were not to be,
It wouldn't be so present.

Well I admit to the mistakes.
At least privately, in takes.
There is another one.

And I'd say we'll be okay
But thats a lie, I mean hey
We're all dying young.
It's the only thing I think
When I wake up in my bed,
And my stomach turns
As these pages turn.
Is the world burning?
Is it only in my head?


What reality?
What's reality? 
It's a FUCKING BULLET!

I have no solution
There is no winning side
I am lost to dissolution
But, beyond it all, I cried

I can't change how I feel
Wondering what we might have done instead.
There is no justification to the moral
Nor the movie it played out like a reel
Even if only in my head
It's the greater picture, that inhibits, the picture for all.

I'm battling
Never the thought of doing so
I'm torn
Like a nineties song, grow
In an incapable battle
That would my longing be fatal.

waisting sweetness to run and hide

i'm dead in the water.
when the universe happens to play your life out like a collection of moments and not journey's.
when the universe happens to have this irreconcilable hold on your predilection and natural reaction.
when the universe happens to be another word for stuff.
i'm drowning. in the vociferous idleness of it all.
dead in the water.

coveting

  

if this is a test

it's the kind i can't pass.

stripped to the waist

we fell into the river
we hold our breath
cover our eyes
so we don't know the secret.
the nights you could cope

your intentions were gold
but the mountains will shake.
i need to know I can still make explosions on the day you wake up
needing somebody that you've learned.
it's okay to be afraid
but it will never be the same

another time

if you never.